Have you come across Resumania? We invite you to submit your examples. Here are some we've received from Resumania website visitors:

  • "COVER LETTER: You are going to read this letter and think I am either too serious or a complete flake."
  • Which would you prefer?
  • "INTERESTS: Tuxedos."
  • Our dress code is slightly less formal.
  • "COVER LETTER: Upon your humble request, I will forward to your personal attention my letters of reference to be attached hereto and made part thereof."
  • Is this a cover letter or a legal contract?
  • "REFERENCES: My girlfriend."
  • We need someone a little more impartial.
  • "JOB DUTIES: Tracking competitor activities, scheming."
  • A conniving candidate.
  • "EDUCATION: Studied public rations."
  • Must be a new major.
  • "JOB DUTIES: Manage artificial workload."
  • We'd prefer to hear about your real workload.
  • "WORK HISTORY: Faxed documents to attorneys over sees."
  • We see a problem.
  • "OBJECTIVE: To get an opportunity to proof what I know."
  • Step one: Proof your resume.
  • "COVER LETTER: Hire me today and take advantage of a diamond in the ruff."
  • A candidate who's still rough around the edges.
  • "ACCOMPLISHMENTS: I've learned to say 'excuse me' in 11 languages."
  • He must be very clumsy.
  • "JOB DUTIES: Assist callers and answer heavy phones."
  • That's one way to build up your biceps.
  • "SKILLS: The ability to use short bursts of muscle force to propel myself - as in jumping or sprinting or throwing an object."
  • That's one way to fast-track your career.
  • "COVER LETTER: To creeat creeactions that satisfy both my customers and my creeactivity."
  • Now, that's some creative spelling!
  • "COVER LETTER: I work as a camp counsler."
  • Evidently, there were no dictionaries at camp.
  • "OBJECTIVE: To find a challenging and rewarding job in a _______."
  • Should we fill in the blank?
  • "COVER LETTER: I would love to interview for the position of (insert job title here). If you grant me an interview for (insert job title here), I feel confident you'll see why I'm the right person for the job."
  • Due to your failure to proofread, we can't help but (insert polite rejection line here).
  • "EDUCATION: High school degree or equivalent."
  • Which is it?
  • "JOB HISTORY: Grocery store catchier."
  • "Catchy" job title!
  • "COVER LETTER: I'm a runner - although sporadically in the last six months."
  • Write us back once you've hit your stride.
  • "SKILLS: Open to new iddeas."
  • OK, here's one: Be sure you proofread your resume before submitting it.
  • "CURRENT JOB: Dogg cleaner."
  • A dirty doggone job, but someone has to do it.
  • SKILLS: "I can type without looking at thekeyboard."
  • You might want to glance down every once in a while.
  • ADDITIONAL SKILLS: "Computers and off ice machines."
  • A cool contender.
  • EMPLOYER: " Myself; received pay raise for high sales."
  • It's good to be the boss.
  • SKILLS: "Very high learning ability and simple thinking."
  • Isn't that an oxymoron?
  • EXPERIENCE: "Handled horrendous projects that no one else wanted to do (especially major filing)."
  • That's the spirit.
  • QUALIFICATIONS: "Self-motivated, organized and detail oriented. High standards including attention to detail and quality of work."
  • Very good with detail, apparently.
  • EXPERIENCE: "Pizza delivery: Took orders over the phone. Great delivery service. Great delivery service."
  • You can say that again.
  • EXPERIENCE: "Detailed-oriented saleman."
  • We have our doubts.
  • COVER LETTER: "I prefer a fast-paste work environment."
  • For life's stickiest situations.
  • MISCELLANEOUS: "I'm taking tae kwon do. I have my orange belt at the moment, but I'm going for my black belt."
  • A clear warning to anyone who pilfers his lunch from the break room.
  • "REASON FOR LEAVING: I regretted leaving this job, which was the only job I've ever had with a future. I loved it! However, the winter weather was the worst."
  • Hope she can "spring" into a new job elsewhere.
  • "COVER LETTER: I'm attacking my resume for you to review."
  • Don't be so hard on yourself!
  • "OBJECTIVE: To be revered as a Goddess for my analytical skills; to be admired and talked about for my creative and elegant ideas; to work for a group that's still in it to have fun and make That Dream come alive; to be surrounded by good people who laugh often and whose own personal motivation inspires me; to forge consensus and sow encouragement in those around me."
  • Sorry, we don't yet have an opening for Goddess.
  • "DUTIES: Walked from one point to another."
  • Obviously takes direction well.
  • "SALARY DESIRED: Keep me alive, or enough to cover the expenses."
  • Evidently, not a very skilled negotiator.
  • "AVAILABILITY: Middle of May, middle of July, almost all of August."
  • We'll call you ...
  • "OBJECTIVE: To work."
  • That says it all.
  • "PERSONAL: I am in good health and I love the outdoors and computers."
  • We'll call you if a position opens up with an office in the woods.
  • "ACTIVITIES: I am very outgoing, and love going out all the time."
  • When should we expect you to come in for work?
  • "COVER LETTER: I've gone to great links to satisfy my executive clients."
  • That's par for the course in business today.
  • "DUTIES: I was instrumental in helping the company go through bankruptcy."
  • As long as you didn't contribute to its demise.
  • "COVER LETTER: I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know I'm looking to change jobs."
  • I suppose it all comes down to how you define "loyalty."
  • "COVER LETTER: Dear Sir or Madman."
  • Only the seriously deranged need reply.
  • "STRENGTHS: I am good at knowing when people do not understand me."
  • But then what?
  • "DUTIES: Worked at this upscale restaurant as a chew chief."
  • This morsel leaves us wondering what he meant.
  • "DUTIES: I was the company's liaison with the sock exchange."
  • We'll trade you six ankle socks for three argyle legwarmers.
  • "SKILLS: Office management, keyboard skills, Internet, database, communication, sense of humor, writer, designer, published humorist/cartoonist. Stuff."
  • That should cover all bases.
  • "AVAILABILITY: Soon."
  • Good to know.
  • COVER LETTER: "I am defiantly an asset to any company."
  • And a rebel at that.
  • "EXPERIENCE: Any interruption in employment is due to being unemployed."
  • Thanks for clearing that up.
  • "DUTIES: Coordinated all employee schedules and maintained pay roll."
  • Plain or sesame?
  • "REASON FOR LEAVING: They stopped paying me."
  • Now that makes sense.
  • "CURRENT POSITION: Assistant Sore Manager."
  • A job that's a real pain in the neck.
  • COVER LETTER: "Hi! My name is ______________. I am applying for the advertised opening."
  • Who should we ask for when we call for an interview?
  • "POLITICAL AFFILIATIONS: I am a loyal member of the Democratic and Republican parties."
  • And what is your definition of "loyal"?
  • FAX COVER LETTER: "Can you please feel these papers out and send them back to me?"
  • We're "touched" that you asked.
  • Resume: "Rising above the established internship norm I set a whole new standard of service by retrieving lunch."
  • Hope you got a good tip.
  • Qualifications: "I am good looking, so I really feel I'm cut out for advertising."
  • If you say so!
  • Qualifications: "Licensed realtor in New York."
  • Nice ... but we're filling an accounting position in Texas.
  • Cover letter: "Sorry about the delay in getting my resume to you. It took me along time to proof it."
  • So long you didn't have time to read the cover letter.
  • Duties: "I was a sales representative. My goal was to sell as many and as much product as possible."
  • Sounds like a good plan ...
  • Duties: "My job was to create an extremely comfortable environment and to make sure all customers had a beverage and the time of their life."
  • Seems like a tall order.
  • Work history: "Fast-food place: cleaning, cashiering and frying burgers on the girl."
  • Did she get hazard pay?
  • Cover letter: "My past experiences in classes and internships have given me expertise in power electronics, controls and motors, and I feel your company will provide a great opportunity to utilize my expertise."
  • Are you sure you meant to send this here?
  • Cover letter: "I'd like to share with you my anticipated accomplishments."
  • We can't wait.
  • Cover letter: "I like bothering the boss until I get a raise."
  • How often have you succeeded this way?
  • Resume: "Two sons: grown and educated."
  • Bet that's a relief ...
  • Work history: "Bill collector: Arranged payment plans so that their wage would not be garnish."
  • We'd take that over a lemon wedge any day.
  • Extracurricular activities: "Various student afflictions."
  • Get well soon.
  • Skills: "People -- excel at getting alone with others."
  • An unfortunate typo ...
  • Objective: "I would like to have this job."
  • We gathered from the resume.
  • Cover letter: "I learn fast -- put a challenge before me and you'll see immediate results. I love cars, motorcycles, sky diving, bleeding-edge technology, music and the great outdoors."
  • How do you feel about accounting?
  • Cover letter: "I hope to bring your company to a higher level at my new location."
  • We were hoping to see results in our location.
  • Summary: "I am a work-alcoholic."
  • Another unfortunate typo ...
  • Accomplishments: "1993 - Introduced the Internet throughout the area."
  • Have you ever run for political office?
  • Duties: "Answered heavy phone."
  • Must have been quite a workout.
  • Cover letter: "I have more than 15 years of cost accounting experience. I also own 23 acres of fertile farm land in the Central Valley."
  • Are the two related, or are you just showing off?
  • Cover letter: "I recently launched my own business, but since it's quickly losing money, I need a job."
  • That leaves out business development director.
  • Cover letter: "Being able to work on my own as well as take direction in a team situation has been and will be a challenging experience and a task to take on."
  • What have you been doing up until now?
  • Cover letter: "You will be impressed with my ability to deal with both 'black-tie' and 'baseball hat' clientele."
  • Too bad we don't have an apparel division.
  • Cover letter: "As my career with the WWE begins, I will need to have a day job. Professional wrestling does not pay very well in the beginning."
  • Wonder if "The Rock" started like this ...
  • Cover letter: "I would like a job where it's a joy to work everyday."
  • Wouldn't we all ...
  • Application: "I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."
  • But about that loyalty ...
  • Qualifications: "I am top-notch and do not come cheap."
  • Thanks for the warning.
  • Cover letter: "I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."
  • We'll see what we can do.
  • "Number of dependents: 40."
  • Must make for a nice tax refund.
  • Job responsibilities: "While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."
  • Could you repeat that?
  • Cover letter: "Here is my resume. Pleas fell free to fix it if you need to, I would appercate it. Can't wait to hear from you this afternoon."
  • Don't wait by the phone.
  • Qualifications: "I have the brain of a sponge."
  • But did you absorb any skills?
  • Objective: "I want to someday collect brown-haired Barbies."
  • Will you be bringing them to the office?
  • Resume: "Forget little sparks, we want fire!"
  • An explosive argument.
  • Resume: "I'm available full time: Monday-Friday: 3:45 - 7:00 p.m.; Saturday: 2:30 - 5:00 p.m."
  • At least you're flexible ...
  • Cover letter: "I am destined to be great. I know this because of the many obstacles life has put in my way."
  • Does that mean you overcame them?
  • Objective: "I would like to find a home to stay until it's time to go out to pasture."
  • We'll try to corral you some opportunities.
  • Personal: "I'm married with seven children and a dog. I don't require prescription drugs."
  • What's your secret?
  • Reason for leaving: "I dreamed I got up and got ready for work and so I thought I was actually there. When I woke up I realized I wasn't."
  • Where do you think you are now?
  • Experience: "Have structured a well-organized and extremely critical department."
  • Department of Criticism? Sounds like a popular group.
  • Cover letter: "My ex-wife will tell you I take work too seriously, but my current relationship has taught me balance and demonstrates how much better a man can be, professionally and personally, with the love and support of the right woman."
  • Enough said.
  • Thank-you letter: "It was wonderful to visit your organization, which is truly detrimental to the community."
  • An "unshining" example of how using the wrong word could be detrimental to your job-seeking efforts.
  • Achievements: "Managed a task force of 40 document sorters, which resulted in the first-ever errors in that area."
  • Congratulations!
  • Activities: "Nude volleyball."
  • We have a liberal dress policy ... but not that liberal.
  • Objective: "To gain more experience in the field of work."
  • That's a wide-open field.
  • Duties: "Took care of an elderly gentleman who died through no fault of mine."
  • Oh my ...
  • Interests: "I like money."
  • Can't really blame you ...
  • Objective: "I am looking for a great company to call my own."
  • An extreme example of the "taking ownership" concept.
  • Cover letter: "I will be available for an interview with you on Oct. 23. I'm due in court that day in your area."
  • You don't say ...
  • Cover letter: "I look forward to meeting you in the feature."
  • Maybe we can conduct the interview during intermission.
  • Objective: "To work in an environment that is flexible and will work with my personal schedule."
  • Can you squeeze in an interview?
  • Cover letter: "Enclosed please find two resumes. One is not updated yet, and the other includes more recent information. Please pick the one you like best."
  • Pretty clear decision here ...
  • Accomplishments: "I often write song lyrics and several have been included in recent CDs."
  • But can you hum a few bars of your related work experience?
  • Application: What did you like most about your last job? "It wasn't the best but it was better than the others."
  • I guess that says something.
  • Job duties: "Restocking bens."
  • Must've "bin" hard work.
  • Cover letter: "I just completed my degree in biology and am applying for the position of wedding consultant."
  • Oh dear ...
  • Qualifications (for manager position): "I used to be a drill instructor and enjoyed telling people what to do."
  • You should be fun to have around ...
  • Qualifications (for manager position): "I like to hire and fire people."
  • Look out.
  • Hobbies and interests: "In my spare time I like to think and solve problems."
  • Can you do that at work, too?
  • Accomplishments: "Maintained a 4.0 average while juggling a full-time mom at home."
  • You must have strong arms.
  • Cover letter: "I feel my rigorous education and subsequent internship have prepared me for any obstical I might encounter."
  • Except the challenge of finding misspelled words.
  • Skills summary: "Adept at working in a pressurized environment."
  • Do you need special equipment for that?
  • Cover letter: "I have designed and implemented every computer system there is."
  • We sense some embellishment here ...
  • (Handwritten) cover letter: "I have a car with good heat and air conditioning."
  • That covers the commute, but what can you do once you're here?
  • Resume: "References available on demand."
  • We'll try to be polite.
  • Resume: "References available a pond request."
  • Foiled again by the spelling checker.
  • Cover letter: "Please find my resume."
  • When did you lose it?
  • Cover letter: "I am a gratitude in psychology."
  • Thankfully it wasn't English.
  • Referred by: "I was walking by and I saw the building, so I thought I'd stop in and apply."
  • Sure ... what the heck.
  • Application: What did you like most about your last job? "The fast-paste environment."
  • Made it worth sticking around awhile?
  • References: "Bill, Tom, Eric." Phone numbers: "I don't know."
  • We might need a bit more to go on.
  • Resume: "Implantation of skills."
  • Huh?
  • Experience: "Provided support for employees on labtops and desktops."
  • Did they need help getting down?
  • Job duties: "Troubleshooter. I find solutions in my sleep."
  • A fitting response to workplace nightmares.
  • Resume: "No computer system will ever get the best of me."
  • That's what the guys in "2001: A Space Odyssey" thought, too.
  • Interests: "I participate in all sorts of outdoor activities, with the exception of scuba diving, which I have a great dislike for."
  • We'll try to keep your job duties on shore.
  • Objective: "To secure challenging opportunities in which I can see a real value in terms of rendering a valuable and valued service to people."
  • Definitely a "value-added" candidate.
  • Skills summary: "More than 25 years' experience in mangement."
  • We hope your condition improves.
  • Resume: "It takes me a while to learn some things but eventually I catch on."
  • Good to know.
  • Cover letter: "I am looking for opportunities that provide a lot of people contact and person-to-person contact."
  • Is there a difference?
  • Application: Why do you want to work here? "I have to work somewhere otherwise I can't buy things. And because you need a lot of help."
  • Good of you to care.
  • Referred by: "People in the street."
  • A new spin on networking.
  • Experience: "Obtained orders and met customer specifications in a neat manner consistently while working in fast food chain."
  • Thank heavens - no one likes disheveled french fries.
  • Special skills: "I'm an excellent boat driver."
  • Not sure that's enough to keep your job search afloat.
  • Special skills: "Music writter."
  • Hope you don't try to write anything else.
  • Resume: "I am skilled at communicating with both my superiors and my inferiors."
  • Noted.
  • Cover letter: "About three weeks from now I called you regarding a job offer ... "
  • We've been expecting to hear from you.
  • Cover letter: "I had five years' experience."
  • What happened to it?
  • Cover letter: "I am writing to express my interest in containing employment within your company."
  • That's a wrap.
  • Objective: "Your own entry goes here."
  • Did you forget something?
  • Cover letter: "My resume is not prepared, but I wanted to write to you anyway."
  • Thanks for thinking of us.
  • Cover letter: "Looking forward to hearing from you thanks sincerely ... "
  • We think some punctuation might be in order.
  • Cover letter: "Find me a job and I will give you an additional cash bonus."
  • Tempting ... but no thanks.
  • Cover letter: "Read my resume - you'll see I know all the buzz words."
  • We'll take this "offline" and set up a task force to review the "pros and cons" of "bringing you on the team."
  • Cover letter: "I am very interested in your position as [insert position title here]."
  • Glad to see you're flexible.
  • Resume: "I am the person you've been waiting for - the one who's gonna make you look good. But you won't realize it until you give me the chance to prove it."
  • What we don't know won't hurt us.
  • Cover letter: "As your employee, I would bring a focus on quality and accuracy's as well as having fun with it."
  • Can you repeat that?
  • Reason for leaving: "Lost a client who brought in the majority of the company's business."
  • That'll do it.
  • Employment objective: "Improve myself and my money situation."
  • We'll do what we can.
  • Previous employment: "Operated out of my home for more than a year while I built the office from scratch."
  • A true self-starter.
  • Reason for leaving: "They insisted that everyone be at work no later than 8:30 a.m. Couldn't work under those conditions."
  • How do you feel about it now?
  • Cover letter: "Willing to travel, relocate, overexert, absorb, toil, mold and to be molded, wow and eventually soar beyond expectations!"
  • A candidate who's ready for anything.
  • Cover letter: "I am an Australian citizen and will remain an Australian citizen and an Australian, forever. Idealistically, I would like to mention that I love Australia."
  • Guessing the details of our relocation program won't interest you ...
  • Cover letter: "Dear Hiring Manager: I was intrigued by your opening for a software trainer. I do not have software training experience, but I am a very fast learner. My resume is attached. Please let me know if I meet your criteria."
  • Looks to be a pretty quick evaluation ...
  • Cover letter: "I am currently conducting a job search."
  • You don't say!
  • Objective: "Gainful employment witch best utilizes my abilities in a high-level position."
  • Spooky.
  • Objective: "Desire a job that stays with me all day."
  • With no bitter aftertaste?
  • Experience: "Have equal amounts of in-house and out-house training experience."
  • Let's not go into detail on that second one ...
  • Cover letter: "Dear Sir/Madman"
  • Hobbies: "I enjoy wandering the streets at night uncovering crimes and reporting them to the police. I also collect pens."
  • Are those to keep the criminals in until the police come?
  • Resume: "Outstanding kayboard skills."
  • They stand out, all right.
  • Cover letter: "I prefer to be fully engufed in my work."
  • That doesn't sound like a good thing.
  • Reason for leaving [listed for every job]: "Left because of criminal mischief!"
  • Yours or the employers'?
  • Job duties: "Handled more than 40 incoming calls per hour from customers with patience and tact."
  • Did you hang up on the others?
  • Objective: "To obtain a position in IT management ... Qualifications: Industry experience in marketing and sales."
  • Close enough.
  • Hobbies: "Reading, Running, Facial Expressions."
  • Hopefully not all at the same time.
  • Cover letter: "In addition to my experience with all software applications, I can build computers, take them apart, put them back together, program them, troubleshoot and debug them."
  • So I guess that meets our "proficiency in word processing" requirement ...
  • Cover letter: "I'm trying to get the best job in Europe or Australia."
  • Can you be a little more specific?
  • Job duties: "Faxed imporatant documents."
  • As long as you weren't writing them ...
  • Cover letter [for a position at an amusement park]: "Let me tell you how I can bring some magic to the castle."
  • We're spellbound already.
  • Cover letter: "I find every job a challenge."
  • That doesn't exactly bode well for your success.
  • Cover letter: "I have always been the leader of my team in volume of work, accouracy and efficiency."
  • So you produce a lot of wrong stuff quickly?
  • Work history: "Staff accountant: Provided support to the gloup on month-end reconciliation."
  • As long as you didn't help them on spelling ...
  • Job duties: "Produced reports that was used as a tool for business purposes."
  • They was, were they?
  • Cover letter: "If I'm not happy at work, most likely the customer isn't happy, which doesn't make the boss happy, therefore I'm not happy."
  • Just a vicious circle, isn't it?
  • Cover letter: "I am a dedicated professional who is committed to play long innings and keep pace with increased business demands."
  • Gotta be ready for those doubleheaders.
  • Objective: "To inhence my skills."
  • I think I know which one to start with ...
  • Resume: "Worked in payroll processing quartle taxes."
  • Sounds like a gallon of fun.
  • Additional languages: "Japanese - speak and write gramaticaly right."
  • Better double-check.
  • Cover letter: "I am a farely good speller."
  • Are you sure?
  • Cover letter: "I look forward to werking their, and i hope you concider me for this job please."
  • OK we considered it ... NEXT!
  • Work history: "Telecommuted under my own supervision."
  • Glad you were looking out for yourself.
  • Computer Skills: "Widows 95."
  • We're sorry to hear that.
  • Cover letter: "Was late for work only once that I can remember."
  • Thanks for pointing that out.
  • Educational background [from an application]: "Very picturesque, rolling hills."
  • That's not quite what we meant.
  • Cover letter: "I'm impressed by your extinguished work ..."
  • Does that mean we can retire early?
  • Job duties: "Relieved on the front desk."
  • Well, maybe no one noticed.
  • "Objection: Sales representative."
  • Overruled.
  • Job duties: "Cooked and served customers."
  • Oh my ...
  • Objective: "I am looking for the medical field."
  • Let us know when you find it.
  • Cover letter: "If I strive for perfection and fail, I have at least achieved excellence."
  • How do you figure?
  • Cover letter: "The skills I have are outdated and I am interested in learning the new technologies and applying them in your area."
  • Not exactly a "hit the ground running" strategy.
  • Work experience: "Tough."
  • We hope things go more smoothly for you.
  • Objective: "To work very hardly."
  • Not quite what we had in mind.
  • Reason for leaving: "My boss couldn't answer any of my questions."
  • You sure showed him ...
  • Expected salary: "Yes."
  • Can you elaborate?
  • Skills summary: "Quick leaner."
  • We'll be sure to provide you adequate support.
  • Objective: "Looking for an office manager that will use my skills."
  • Usually they use their own, but ...
  • Cover letter: "Attach my Resume."
  • That one's kind of a do-it-yourself job.
  • Resume: "Job title: Asis. Manager"
  • Does that mean you've no interest in skills enhancement?
  • Achievements: "Never been fired."
  • Your ambition overwhelms.
  • Resume: "Career highlights: Featured on David Letterman show as a Stupid Human Trick."
  • We can't wait for the video.
  • Cover letter: "Programming is in my blood. In fact, I am always thinking about programming languages and write some of my best work while sleeping."
  • C++ ... the stuff dreams are made of.
  • Skills summary: "Relatively fast-paced learner. It only took me two years to learn HTML and build my own web page!"
  • What is your definition of "relatively"?
  • Cover letter: "I have spent my entire perfessional life learning and striving to become the best that I can ..."
  • ... at everything but spelling.
  • Cover letter: "I am not a 'people person.' I'll take dealing with a computer over a person any day of the week."
  • A shining example of when honesty is NOT the best policy.
  • Skills summary: "Possess an good undestanding and experience of accounting."
  • But not of sentence structure, spelling or grammar, apparently.
  • Application: Length of residency: "15 miles"
  • A tenant who goes the distance.
  • Summary: "Twelve years of experience with increasing responsibilities. as an account executive."
  • Sorry, we don't. have any openings right now.
  • Objective: "An associate position with an opportunity to build practical experience. Although I am willing to learn, I am not willing to carry a manager's briefcase."
  • Duly noted.
  • Cover letter: "I am extremely interested in developing my career in hi-tech, where I can apply what I have learnt in college."
  • We're a little nervous about that.
  • Skills summary: "Gifted, uplifting and admirable."
  • And modest.
  • Cover letter: "I don't have any formal education nor lots of fluff to dress up my resume (yet)."
  • We can hardly wait.
  • Cover letter: "Will not relocate. But if I can get a job out-of-state, it is not a problem for me to move."
  • Now I'm really confused.
  • Work history: "My last job was really great."
  • We'll try to measure up.
  • Additional skills: "Have passed swimming test; outstanding at butterfly."
  • So you're ready to swim with the sharks?
  • Skills: "Familiar with the following computer applications: Excel, Word, Claris Works, PageMaker, Quark and surfing the Internet."
  • Was that last one tough to master?
  • Qualifications: "I look at issues from all points of view before making a judgment."
  • Case dismissed.
  • Cover letter: "By day an accountant; by night a web design enthusiast longing to build an Internet engineering consultancy."
  • And able to leap tall firewalls in a single bound?
  • Special skills: "I can ear 30 hot dogs in less than a minute; also good at team sports."
  • That hot dog thing sounds painful ...
  • Personal: "Able to fit a whole Moon Pie in my mouth."
  • A notable skill ...
  • Duties: "I also acted as a supervisor when he was not around."
  • When the cat's away ...
  • "However, in the event this employment is for, with or around anyone with an objectionable personality, you can ignore this resume."
  • In the event we interview you, we'll be on our best behavior.
  • Cover letter: "I am very reliable, accurate and contentious."
  • Two out of three isn't bad.
  • Skills summary: "More than 20 years' experience as sales manger."
  • An expert at putting deals "to bed."
  • Experience: "Proactively performed projects to help product managers manage their products."
  • OK, now say, "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers."
  • Special skills: "Fluent in both English and Spinach."
  • Popeye would be proud.
  • Job duties: "Serving children of all ages to seniors."
  • Oh, my!
  • Cover letter: "Enclosed please find my attacked resume."
  • The job market can be brutal.
  • Cover letter: "Please let me know if you do not receive this."
  • OK ...
  • Qualifications: "Fabulous personality."
  • And no one's hired you yet?
  • Interests: "I just recently bought a guitar."
  • We'll keep you in mind for those team-building jam sessions.
  • Position desired: "Whatever you have will be fine with me."
  • Good marks for flexibility, but do you have any qualifications you'd like to share?
  • Cover letter: "I would be able to relocate if I knew where I was going."
  • Let us know when you get there.
  • Cover letter: "I'm bored, and haven't worked in a real job since 1997."
  • This is your sales pitch?
  • Emergency contact [from application]: "911 and the nearest hospital."
  • A wise guy.
  • Reason for leaving: "Arrested and sent to jail."
  • Do you plan to interview from there?
  • Cover letter: "Please photocopy and return the enclosed resume to me, as it is my last one. Due to my current state of unemployment, I cannot afford more ink for my printer."
  • Uh, sure thing.
  • Previous job: "Warehouse stalker."
  • Kind of hard to follow a building around.
  • Equipment used: "pens, pencils, notepads ... "
  • Did you need special permits?
  • Responsibilities: "Performed all screening, interviewing, and executing of candidates."
  • Gives new meaning to the phrase, "aggressive recruiting."
  • Objective: "I want a base salary of $50 - $60,000 dollars, not including bonus. And some decent benefits. Like a retirement plan, health insurance, personal or sick days."
  • Any thoughts on what kind of job you'd like?
  • Experience: "Provided correct answers to customers' questions."
  • Who had the job of giving wrong answers?
  • "I can drive heavy duty equipment and trucks up to 25 feet without getting lost."
  • Call us back when you have global positioning equipment.
  • Education: "Graduated from predatory school with honors."
  • It's a dog-eat-dog world out there.
  • Special skills: "Highly proficient at vacuuming, dusting and moping."
  • Job prospects are looking pretty gloomy.
  • "Never been fired, although it could happen anytime now."
  • At least it won't be a surprise.
  • "Work best with kids five and under."
  • We don't have many of those on our team, although it may seem like it some days ...
  • "I have happily been a 'kept man' for the past 10 years."
  • Where have they been keeping you?
  • "Have extensive experience in turkey manufactures as well as new product development and implementation."
  • When did we start manufacturing turkeys?
  • "I am accustomed to speaking in front of all kinds of audiences ... I make points as well as I can."
  • Always a good practice.
  • Personal: "Five children. Dog: Jasper. Cat: Morris. Gerbil: Binky."
  • No goldfish?
  • "I'm inquiring as to weather or not you have any jobs open."
  • If this rain lets up, we may have an opening.
  • Experience: "Completed semester project with a classmate of mind."
  • A true brain trust.
  • "While in military, was instrumental in creation of a treat detection system."
  • My dog mastered that years ago!
  • "My compensation package at my last job included a base salary of $64,500 with excellent benefits including flextime. I am looking for a position in which I can work a more flexible schedule."
  • And you left your last job because ... ?
  • "Hire me and you won't regret it - I am funny, cute, smart and creative ... really."
  • Oh, we have no doubt.
  • "Referees available upon request."
  • Thank goodness. We never know when someone will cry foul.
  • "Pursing a position requiring strong communication skills."
  • So you're putting your money where your mouth is?
  • Work history: "Bakery - proactively provided the products with the appropriate fillings, jellies and custards."
  • Don't want to be caught off guard with empty donuts.
  • Previous experience: "Administrative Assitant. Required high detail orentation and acuracy."
  • About that attention to detail ...
  • Previous rank: "Senior instigator."
  • I smell trouble.
  • "Looking for an employer that believes in prompting from within."
  • Always good to use that little inner voice as a motivator.
  • "... I have recently sold my home and I now live in a large RV so I will be able to relocate quickly."
  • Nothing like taking the house for a ride.
  • Reason for leaving: "They stopped paying me."
  • I can't think of a better reason.
  • Cover letter: "Desire the chance to showcase my delightful personality, intelligence and superior judgment, which are so hard to find these days."
  • Thank goodness you came to us.
  • Interests: "Music, dancing computers."
  • That would be interesting ...
  • Objective: "To obtain a position where I can make a difference, infecting others with my professionalism, enthusiasm and dedication."
  • Let's hope that's all that's contagious.
  • Strengths: "Impersonal skills."
  • We'd hate to see your weaknesses.
  • Experience: "Cocktail sever."
  • It's good to cut people off when they've had too much ...
  • Honors: "Have been named most reliable, most popular and best actor in school."
  • And you'd like to thank the academy ... ?
  • Special interests: "I like any projects that are fun."
  • We'll see what we can do.
  • [From an application] Please explain any breaks in your employment career: "15 minute coffee break while working at a home improvement store."
  • Talk about steady employment ...
  • Duties: "... constant oversight of kennel operations."
  • Bet the place went to the dogs while you weren't looking!
  • Education: "Graduated from a good university."
  • We're comforted to know.
  • Other: "Joined the Air Force in 1776."
  • Was it a kite brigade?
  • Vocational plans: "Sea World."

Certain details in these items have been changed to protect the identity of the job seeker.